Dan and Phil: Legend of the Lost Pineapple
by Thespian516
Summary: A Lemon including Dan Howell, Phil Lester, Dil Howlter and Eliza Pancakes. Don't Like Dont Red


On a cold September, after his great adventures, Dan was wondering what to do that week. He had picked up his life from where he left it and wanted to make something from it. Then all the sudden a strange woman appeared on Dan's doorstep. She was hiden beneath a long cloak and had long brown nails on her fingers. Her dirty hair flushed down from beneath the cloak and she had glowing eyes!

"You are not who you think you are!" said the strange woman.

"What do you mean?" said Dan

"You are not who you think you are," she said again with a mysterious crackling voice like a bad radio transmission.

"I still don't understand you?" said Dan.

"Here, take this," she said and gave Dan an alarm clock.

"Take this and give it to your parents or guardian, they will know what to do with it!"

And with that she disappeared before Dan's eyes!

Dan was confused but thought that he had to do something. But rather than going to his parents or guardian, Dan decided to show it to Dil Howlter.

"Oh no," said Dil Howlter, "you must forget about this!"

"Why?" inquired Dan, "what do you know?!"

"I... I can't tell you. My dear Dan, I didn't think it would be this soon!"

"What?!" yelled Dan, "are you keeping things away from me?!"

"It's ... it's for your own good! You cannot know this!" said Dil Howlter and before Dan could do anything, Dil Howlter had escaped his grasp.

"No! Dammit! When will I ever know the truth?!"

Dan was feeling depressed. One of his best friends abandoned and betrayed him. It hurt. So Dan wanted to find . After their adventure, Dan and had been spending a lot of time together. Dan kind of started to like her.

So Dan went to and told the whole story. She listened to Dan without saying a single word.

Then she said: "WTF, this is sooo big"

And Dan said: I know! Do you know a way to find out what is happening? Why is everyone hiding things from me?!"

sighed and said: "You have always been special, Dan and not just to me."

"How do you know that?"

looked at the pillow that Dan had received and said: "it kind of looks like the The Porcelain Pig, doesn't it?"

"could be...but it might not be...but, yeah,certainly it might be"

"Whatever it is, I can recognize it quite well. And I think," said, "that perhaps the mysterious woman wanted you to find something inside of you.

"Inside? Like my heart?"

"No, don't be silly, like a memory. Think about it, if your parents lied to you and now Dil Howlter doesn't want to talk to you about your background, perhaps there is a hidden memory in your head!"

's logic was flawless. So Dan had to try it!

So Dan concentrated on the object. immediately he felt drawn into it. It stated out as a vague, fuzzy thing like when you wear glasses and there is a lot of moisture in the air and you see a one-eyed monster on the horizon.

But then it turned out that there was a secret memory, hidden beneath the veil layer of self-loving in his head.

And within that memory, a burning figure appeared. It was Eliza Pancakes! In hell...

Dan was confused. He didn't think that memory would be in there, and yet it was there, burning like the heart of a newborn star and the centre of the earth.

Everyone who looked could see there was a undeniably, ravenous animal attraction between Dan and Phil Lester.

No one could deny it.

No one except Phil Lester and Dan, that is.

They seemed blissfully unaware of their attraction to each-other. Unaware of their boundless uncontrollable lust.

Every time they met they didn't show it, but everyone knew. Everyone knew what was really going on between them.

A war of lust.

And everyone knew that it was a unsuitable situation. No one wanted to be dragged into that war.

Something had to be someone.

Fortunately Dil Howlter worked at a newspaper nowadays and he used the database of the newspaper to find out home turf of Eliza Pancakes's ruffians.

Their search led to a gay night club in the darkest and stormiest part of London. Dan was a little hesitant to go. It was rather scary and it was dark and stormy in that section of London. But the courage in him was greater than his fear because with his Emo he should be able to accomplish anything, right, Dan thought to himself.

And Dil Howlter would join Dan.

So not to fall out of fashion they both stripped and squeezed into their most gothiest clothing. Dan had to admit that Dil Howlter looked kind of sexy in that outfit of his. But Dan didn't dare to comment on that (Dan had only just discovered he was bi, and was a little anxious over that. He wasn't sure if his other friends would accept that!.

Dan instead poured down his soul into his make-up. He bore incandescent blood-rose colored finger nails with black streaking strips and gave Dil Howlter the same treatment. Dil Howlter gorgeous eyes met Dan's and for a moment they were both swimming in a pool made of a lovely combination of their eyes colors. It was romance they knew, but they didn't know whether it was a forbidden one or not!

Oh hell, Eliza Pancakes could wait. Now Dan looked upon Dil Howlter with lust filling his wick . Eliza Pancakes could be taking over the world for what Dan cared, now it should be all about him and Dil Howlter.

But little did Dan know that in fact Dil Howlter had been lusting after him as well! With force and lust Dil Howlter threw Dan onto the closet and thrust ed himself right into Dan. Dan moaned. they came. Then they went off and defeated Eliza Pancakes.

In the middle of all this, finally, could stand it no longer.

She found Dan, and pulled them to one side

"That's it! its ruining the team. Its clear you cant function while Phil Lester is around!"

"What no! I am fine."

"No. Its very clear. You need to do the Aggressive cuddling with them"

Everyone else in the room nodded at this.

"But doing the aggressive cuddling with Phil Lester...isn't that..umm...wrong?"

"Oh, sure, its wrong. Very very wrong.

But just because somethings wrong doesn't mean it shouldn't happen does it?"

"No, I suppose not"

Dan wondered off thinking of the aggressive cuddling...how will he introduce the idea to Phil Lester? and would they accept it?

Our heroes arrived at the central district.

"How will we find where she is based in this big city?"

"We will never find him."

"Maybe not, look...there!"

Behind them was a massive blimp sign with Eliza Pancakes Corp scribbled upon it in bold .

So they found where she was,and entered the skyscraper...

As they entered, it was strangely and creepily abandoned.

"Come on" said Dan

..and then they went on their way!

"OK, she is sure to be in the penthouse sweet in his hut " said Dil Howlter pressing the correct elevator button

The elevator went up a few floors. SUDDENLY there was a bang on the roof!

"down!" shouted .

And they did. Which is just as well, because seconds later...

The hatch opened and a couple of loyal followers with machine guns pirouetted down.

"oh god! What are we going to do!?" said Phil Lester

"We gotta think fast" said Dil Howlter.

"OK"

"I know you don't like violence, Dan, But you have to do this. Do it for me. please.." Said Riverview

"OK, your right, I know we have to fight them" said Dan who did a massive mighty super kirate kick just as the first soldier landed

causing boobs to bounce which knocked them unconscious.

"Nice work. But its not over yet! Look!"

A massive security guard appeared, but they killed him.

Ding! They had reached their floor.

Dan finally found a moment to pull Phil Lester away from the others, to have a private moment.

"Dan we have to do it"

"I know, my team told me as well. Apparently our feelings are causing problems for everyone else."

"So we are agreed? We finally let our feelings out of their cages of repression they have been caged in all this time?"

"Yes. For the team"

"No...for us"

Dan leapt on Phil Lester at that raging orca they kept locked up finally unleashed.

Dan and Phil Lester quickly became a ball of body-parts. Elbows, hands and buttocks all tangled together. Dan didn't know what bit to focus on, so grabbed a spare ferret and dived in.

"More! More! More!" whispered Phil Lester to Dan.

Their love making was like a sunrise of penis's. Its like they were everywhere - inescapable (not that either of them wanted to escape them).

Things got...messy...from that point on.

Nearby the others occasionally heard screams. But politely ignored it.

This had been coming far too long to ruin it now - and this team bonding was very much needed.

"So you have come" said a voice booming from the sky

A rocket appeared above them.

Eliza Pancakes laughed at them from it.

"Ha Ha Ha Ha"

"I could gun you all down from here with my rifles, but I would rather do this...personal style."

she leaped down and landed at the far side of the rooftop

"Ready?" she said, still laughing.

Dan removed his shirt and flexed his abs.

"Yes. I am ready. "

With that they leaped at each other, metaphorical guns blazing (which were littoral machine guns).

"I kill you dead"

Eliza Pancakes head butted Dan in the chest

Dan fell backwards in pain punching a few times before crashing to the ground.

"Ha Ha Ha Ha" laughed Eliza Pancakes

"You could never have defeated me, so why did you even try?"

"I had too, for all that is good and just in the world."

"Well now you will die. Goodbye."

Eliza Pancakes leaned over Dan holding her penis.

"Quick Dan use this!" said Riverview ,chucking a nearby sausage towards Dan.

Dan grabbed it and chucked it towards Eliza Pancakes hard, knocking her backwards...off the edge of the tall skyscrapper they were on!

"Goodbye, Eliza Pancakes have a nice fall!"

"ARrrrrgggg"

"We are safe now, she fell to certain doom."

Phil Lester and Dil Howlter got out from the corner where they were cuddling. "Thank you, you saved us all"

"Don't mention it."

So they left the tower and went home. They lived happily ever after and had lots of kids.

The End


End file.
